Last year, the world and city of Philadelphia were gifted with the cancellation of the Mummers 2021 parade. This year, however, during the height of the rapidly increasing infection rates thanks to the omicron variant, the Mummers have decided, “let’s spread it some more.” 

Yes, Philadelphia’s oldest and most obnoxious “folk” parade is once again infecting our streets with their special brand of mediocrity. Philadelphians will once again be forced to navigate road closures while these colorful idiots do their bizarre dances, a bigoted form of what they call satire, and spread a virus that has killed over 800K people.

Happy New Year. 

Who The Hell Are The Mummers?

If you’re lucky enough to live in a city as great as Philadelphia, you’re also equally unlucky to be familiar with those weird, racist, drunk clump of tribalist idiots that call themselves Mummers. 

The Mummers are made up of local clubs – the Comic and Wench Brigades, the String Bands, and the Fancy Brigades. The Comic and Wench Brigades attempt to satirize but really just perform lazy racism and bigotry. The String Bands play instruments, I guess. And the Fancy Brigades performs a very strange dance that I can only describe as “bouncy umbrella foxtrot.” 

What’s really odd is that these people spend all year working on this only for it to be so… mediocre. 

The Audacity Of Mediocrity

Sure, the Mummers bigotry has been well-documented. They have said they’re making efforts to cut it out (Sure, Jan). Their long history of bigotry is certainly offensive, no question. But what I find particularly offensive is how lazy, mediocre, and entitled the Mummers are. They spend all year working on … that? 

They have the audacity to carry themselves like cultural gifts to Philadelphia and New Years. The Mummers spend hours upon hours building stage pieces that look like they belong in a low-rent middle school play. Their costumes are unoriginal, tacky, and obnoxious. The music is really annoying. 

And they have the unabashed gall to think they are bringing joy, culture, and celebration to the new year. 

Why Hasn’t Mummers Parade 2022 Been Cancelled?

I don’t know. Omicron is running rampant and the Mummers think that their special brand of mediocrity is necessary. 800K+ people are dying, but sure, let’s have the Mummers come and do their silly umbrella dance all over Broad Street while they spread the virus. 

It’Ll Be GrEaT fOr MoRaLe

If you have the luxury to stay far, far away from this unimpressive, bigoted, obnoxious group of cultural wannabes please do so with haste. This group of people cares more about their mediocrity than the health and safety of other people. The Mummers care more about being that guy than reducing the spread of a virus that has killed 800K+ people. 

Here’s how Philly’s “beloved” Mummers have responded to criticism:

One of them even decided to private message me on my personal Instagram:

And they won’t stop here either. These are the people Philly chooses to support?

If you haven’t tried Canva yet, you really should. It’s a DIY playground for all things design. Canva is so simple to use that all you need going in is an idea and a little creative talent. However, as a new user, you may find its many features a tad intimidating. Thankfully, we’re here to give you the best ever Canva tutorial for beginners. 

Getting Started

First, there’s the obvious. Go to Canva.com. You’ll notice that my account is a Pro account. But since this is a beginner’s tutorial, I will only be using features available to new folks. 

On the top right corner, you’ll see “Create a design.” Click that and make your choice. You’ll see a wide selection of options for you to choose from. 

For our purposes, let’s select “Logo.” 

A new window will open and you are officially ready to begin your project.

Selecting A Template

There are plenty of templates to choose from. Under logos, you’ll find templates for Hospitals, Bands, Events, Fashion, Food/Drink, and so on. 

Pick the one best suited to your project. Let’s pick DJ Logo. 

Oh, and you should definitely name your project. It’s located in the top right corner. 

It doesn’t matter what you name it. I picked a nice boring identifier. 

Now, pick the template. There’s a lot to pick from. I chose this one.

Beginning Your Design

Now, DJs are certified non-geniuses, so they need all the help they can get. Let’s call our entertainer “DJ Oopsy Daisy.” Because why not? Who’s going to stop me? 

You don’t want to end there. Templates are there to make it easier for you as a beginner. You don’t want to stick with the template because then you’ll appear lazy and uninspired. Let’s start by changing the graphic at the top of the design. 

Now, we’re going to dive into elements. This is a fun part. 

Using The Elements

On the left-hand side of the page, you’ll see ‘Elements.’ Click that.

You’ll see quite a few options to pick from. Let’s find a DJ-related graphic. Click on the search bar, type in “DJ” and hit graphics to narrow your search. 

Find the graphic you like best and select it. I chose this one. Don’t forget to remove the template graphic!  

I then made the graphic larger using a simple click-and-drag. 

Editing Text

Let’s update the text a little and make it our own. You can select it from the “Text” option on the left-hand side of the page. 

Personally, I like the text options from the left-hand side of the page. They have a wide variety of text options that will really help your design pop. I chose this one.

I type out “DJ Oopsy Daisy” in the new text and boom. 

Is it a particularly good design? No. But, for our purposes, it doesn’t need to be, does it? This is a “Canva tutorial for beginners,” not a “Canva Here’s How To Make The Perfect DJ Logo.” 

Adding Texture

Kind of a boring design, right? Let’s add some background texture. When I’m searching for background text, I search in the Elements under “graphics.” “textured background” should be sufficient. 

I chose this one. 

But, as we can see, it covered the DJ graphic. How do we fix that? Right-click, “send backward.”

There. Now we have a design as pitiful as the name of our made-up DJ. In fact, I think my final design is worse than the original template. But, not really the point, ya know?  

If you choose to use a photo for your background, you can do so by clicking “Uploads” on the left-hand side of the screen.

Download, Export, and Share

Once you’ve finished your design. Simply go to the top right corner, hit download, and select the file type you want to download. It offers PNG, JPG, PDF, GIF, and so on. 

Download the file type you want and you have yourself a genuine DIY design!

Final Words

There you have it. There is your basic, step-by-step Canva tutorial for beginners. Hopefully, this is helpful in getting you started. But the best way to really understand how to use Canva is to simply dive in and play around! 

If DIY design is too intimidating here are some graphic design services to check out. Let someone else do it!

Anyone who tells you that you need to try Chicago deep-dish pizza is wrong and needs to be avoided at all costs. Chicago is a hot dog town. You don’t realize how much you’ve missed out on life until you’ve tasted the glory that is Chicago hot dogs. 

A Chicago hot dog is very particular. And for good reason. First, they use real casing, giving it a signature snap when you bite into it. Second, it’s loaded with onions, tomato slices, neon-green relish, a pickle slice, sport peppers, and mustard on a poppy seed bun. Third, NO KETCHUP.

Seriously, you won’t make any friends in Chicago if you ask for ketchup on your dog. 

There is no shortage of quality dogs in Chicago. Wherever you go, chances are you’ll be happy. I went to these three spots and rated them accordingly. Prior to Chicago hot dogs, my dog experience was pretty limited to whatever looked “freshest” at 7/11. 

Here are the three best Chicago hot dogs I ate in three hours. 

Dog Haus

Our first stop was at Dog Haus on Lincoln Ave. It wasn’t very busy but it was very clean and the staff was super nice. Excited for my very first Chicago hot dog, I wolfed it down in a matter of moments. 

The bun was fluffy and perfectly crispy on the edges with a generous helping of all the toppings that make up the iconic dog. The dog itself was the single most delicious hot dog I have ever tasted in my life. All in all, I was pretty satisfied. 10/10.

The Wiener’s Circle

I have dreamed of visiting The Wieners Circle ever since they were featured on Conan. For those who don’t know, The Wieners Circle is known not just for its dogs but for how the staff berates and insults their customers as aggressively and brutally as you can imagine.

Being a vulgar person with a deep affection for greasy food, I knew this was the spot for me. 

The staff is only vulgar and insulting after 9 pm (can’t be cussing at the kids, ya dig?). So, while we didn’t get the full experience that makes this spot famous, you could smell it in their air. All it would take was one snarky comment and you could imagine the wonderful abuse you’d endure. But this is a business trip, so best behave. 

I got the cheddar char dog – a classic Chicago-style with cheese charred on the grill. And good golly miss molly was it the single most delicious hot dog I have ever tasted in my entire life –  but better. 

The dog was not huge, but the poppy seed bun perfectly cradled it and the toppings beautifully and gently. The char – my goodness ya’ll – THE CHAR! You could taste all the grease of years past with that perfectly smoky, blackened taste that makes every hot dog the best hot dog. 

It was everything I dreamed it would be. 12 – no – 15!/10.

Flub A Dub Chub’s

Next was Flub A Dub Chub’s (LOVE the name). It feels like an event when you descend down the grimy stairs into what is, without question, the winner in terms of atmosphere. 

The fairly small space’s walls were covered with customer-made hot-dog-themed drawings that varied from a hot dog beating up a ketchup bottle (I wasn’t kidding about the ketchup thing – don’t do it) to a Thor holding Mjölnir in triumph while yelling something about hot dogs (missed opportunity to hold a dog-themed Mjölnir, imho). 

The staff was cool and non-judgmental (for those of you brave enough to add ketchup), and the dog was the single most delicious hot dog I have ever tasted in my entire life – only I’m full now.

Three Chicago hot dogs in three hours add up, alright? 

The Verdict

For me, it was The Wieners Circle. The others never stood a chance. Call it bias, call it favoritism, call it what you want. But you’re not the one writing right now, are you? 

The Wieners Circle is without question the most superior of all Chicago hot dogs. It doesn’t pretend to be anything it’s not except for a great place to get a delicious dog and some humbling verbal abuse. 

Dog Haus was a great first Chicago hot dog experience, but ultimately chains are inherently a little lame. Flub A Dub Chub’s was super fun, but I was getting full by that time, so it’s not totally fair. 

If you’re going to have any hot dog in Chicago, make sure it’s The Wieners Circle – and make sure you leave a tip.