Purple Goo Turns Into Drug Bust

No, this isn’t a plot by Ivan Ooze. This is way less nostalgic. 

Philadelphia Custom and Border Protection officers made a drug seizure this week after purple goo was found leaking from 12 cans labeled “Dutch Canned Vegetable Chicken Soup.” Analysis revealed that the purple goo was actually MDMA. 

It probably did not taste like chicken. 

“Crooked consumers continue to purchase dangerous drugs and controlled substances from unscrupulous international vendors, chemicals that consist of unverified ingredients that could potentially harm or kill nation’s citizens.”

Okay, Joseph Martelle, CBP’s Area Port Director in Philadelphia, thanks for the warning. But what parent is going to open a can of purpley, oozey Dutch Vegetable Chicken Soup and feed it to their kids?

“Oh, it must be borscht. Well, we don’t support borscht right now. Because of Russia.” 

We’re Not THAT Stupid… Right?

Americans may eat like we have free healthcare but it’s hard to imagine someone dumb enough to eat something so unappetizing in appearance. 

Then again… I’ve seen warnings on bouillon cubes that read “don’t use in the bath.” Maybe we are that stupid. 

Take a look at some of the other warning labels we’ve had to slap on things:

If there’s a warning that stupid it probably means someone was being that stupid. 

I guess it’s not so ridiculous to warn consumers from eating the purple goo soup. 

You Know Who Doesn’t Have This Problem? Portugal.

Glossing over the fact that they did a poor job sealing the cans, skeezy drug lords cram their high-inducing purple goo into soup cans because of the illegality of drugs in America. Stupid Americans are at a greater risk because of this sneakiness not in spite of it. 

If drugs are legal, or at least decriminalized, then there’s no incentive to poorly cram molly or ecstasy into a can of vegetable chicken soup. 

Philly is making its own efforts to tackle drug and overdose problems. We banned pre-hire marijuana drug testing and we’ve attempted to create safe injection sites. We’re nowhere near close to solving this issue, but we’re trying. 

In the meantime, try and avoid Canned Dutch Vegetable Chicken Soup.