Entertainment
Mummers Parade 2022 Will Be Omicron-Themed
Last year, the world and city of Philadelphia were gifted with the cancellation of the Mummers 2021 parade. This year, however, during the height of the rapidly increasing infection rates thanks to the omicron variant, the Mummers have decided, “let’s spread it some more.”
Yes, Philadelphia’s oldest and most obnoxious “folk” parade is once again infecting our streets with their special brand of mediocrity. Philadelphians will once again be forced to navigate road closures while these colorful idiots do their bizarre dances, a bigoted form of what they call satire, and spread a virus that has killed over 800K people.
Happy New Year.
Who The Hell Are The Mummers?
If you’re lucky enough to live in a city as great as Philadelphia, you’re also equally unlucky to be familiar with those weird, racist, drunk clump of tribalist idiots that call themselves Mummers.
The Mummers are made up of local clubs – the Comic and Wench Brigades, the String Bands, and the Fancy Brigades. The Comic and Wench Brigades attempt to satirize but really just perform lazy racism and bigotry. The String Bands play instruments, I guess. And the Fancy Brigades performs a very strange dance that I can only describe as “bouncy umbrella foxtrot.”
What’s really odd is that these people spend all year working on this only for it to be so… mediocre.
The Audacity Of Mediocrity
Sure, the Mummers bigotry has been well-documented. They have said they’re making efforts to cut it out (Sure, Jan). Their long history of bigotry is certainly offensive, no question. But what I find particularly offensive is how lazy, mediocre, and entitled the Mummers are. They spend all year working on … that?
They have the audacity to carry themselves like cultural gifts to Philadelphia and New Years. The Mummers spend hours upon hours building stage pieces that look like they belong in a low-rent middle school play. Their costumes are unoriginal, tacky, and obnoxious. The music is really annoying.
And they have the unabashed gall to think they are bringing joy, culture, and celebration to the new year.
Why Hasn’t Mummers Parade 2022 Been Cancelled?
I don’t know. Omicron is running rampant and the Mummers think that their special brand of mediocrity is necessary. 800K+ people are dying, but sure, let’s have the Mummers come and do their silly umbrella dance all over Broad Street while they spread the virus.
It’Ll Be GrEaT fOr MoRaLe
If you have the luxury to stay far, far away from this unimpressive, bigoted, obnoxious group of cultural wannabes please do so with haste. This group of people cares more about their mediocrity than the health and safety of other people. The Mummers care more about being that guy than reducing the spread of a virus that has killed 800K+ people.
Here’s how Philly’s “beloved” Mummers have responded to criticism:
One of them even decided to private message me on my personal Instagram:
And they won’t stop here either. These are the people Philly chooses to support?
Don Kedec
December 29, 2021 at 12:32 pm
Owners mag not have dental insurance? Could fly an airplane through that gap tooth you have!
Mike Grant
December 29, 2021 at 12:34 pm
Imagine taking the time out of your day to try and bash other people who have nothing to do with you. And going even further to join a Facebook group you would never want to be a part of just to post the article and try to stir people up. Chris Blondell, you’re a loser. You have 14 followers on Twitter and live alone in a dirty house. No friends except the gap between your teeth. Hope OwnersMag takes a look at their own people.
Catherine
December 30, 2021 at 6:14 pm
No, let’s not worry about all the people that were killed by gun violence this year, just bash the mummers! What happened to your vaccine that’s supposed to protect you and your mask. People that grew up in South Philadelphia love the mummers and we are happy they are back this year, so just keep that mask on (that works so well…not) I’m sure your vaccinated so you have no worries…right?
Bill A
December 29, 2021 at 12:38 pm
Everyone loves when a Democrat finds something he disagrees with, nothing but a slander filled article and a waste of time reading.
Jeff F
December 29, 2021 at 12:50 pm
Wow dude. Show us on the doll where the bad man touched you. To have this much hatred for a parade is unhealthy. Here’s an idea, don’t watch and take a Xanax.
Stevie Boy
December 29, 2021 at 12:58 pm
Great piece of shit writing from a fuckin loser who isn’t even from here keep it up brotha you miserable #$%^ bozo
mr mummer
December 29, 2021 at 1:05 pm
you suck so bad dude just look in the mirror. your life must be so miserable you loser. chris blondell is a straight weirdo and is probably some yuppie loser who just moved to the city two years ago. weirdo ass yuppie no one cares about your opinion
Shannon
December 29, 2021 at 1:11 pm
You’re just mad your a straight up #$%^ loser and can’t enjoy a tradition that has been taking place in Philly for years. Also last time i checked the FACTS the omicron variant of covid is not as deadly as other strains of covid. Take your liberal ass and get the fuck out because no one asked for your stupid article! These people who put hours of work into this parade are passionate about it and don’t need liberal #$% like you putting out your stupid ass opinion. If you don’t want to watch the mummers parade THEN YOU DON’T HAVE TOO. Obviously many people enjoy it and go to see it every year or it wouldn’t still be happening.
_
December 29, 2021 at 1:12 pm
Was the thanksgiving parade omicron themed too or do you only care about people’s safety when it’s threatened by people you don’t like?
Christine
December 29, 2021 at 2:22 pm
Your poor writing indicates that even through their drunken stupor, which not a single one will deny, they still emit more talent than you (especially the musicians). Given that fact, I understand why they upset you so. Your New Year Resolution should include learning to enjoy life, it’s short. This article is much more of a reflection of your miserable perception of life than it is about the Mummers. Enjoy the parade and Happy New Year!
John Daly
December 29, 2021 at 6:30 pm
Looks like another progressive transplant who moved to Philadelphia and cries about everything that existed prior to his/her arrival. You are everything that is wrong with urban areas. You move into cities, gentrify areas populated with POC, displace them and then act like some race relation savior.
Your take on the parade is juvenile.
Please leave Philadelphia. The City of neighborhoods and brotherly love was well before you dopes tried to claim it as your home.
GTFO
Mummer mike
December 30, 2021 at 10:11 am
We strutting all over you haters #mummer4life
Matt
December 30, 2021 at 1:58 pm
Talk about mediocrity, you write for “ownersmag.com”.
This is your “career”, mummers is a hobby.
When you write this article for a respectable publication I’ll consider your criticism.